I’m sure I’m not alone when I ask, have you ever had a meal fail so epicly that you’re not even sure what just happened to your own life?

I STILL don’t even understand what happened.

Devon and I were both horrifically sick last weekend so we basically just drank chicken broth and ate crackers all weekend.  That basically just shifted what I was going to make last weekend to this past weekend.

So yesterday, I’m all excited because I’m making this beautiful roast, whole, chicken with mashed potatoes, and gravy, and sauteed spinach (since I found out Devon will willingly eat spinach).  It was going to be so pretty and delicious.

So I clean the chicken all out (the “fun” part), dried it, rubbed it with seasoned butter on the skin, under the skin; filled the cavity with some onion, lemon, and garlic.  And then I roast it.  Put it in the oven about 5:00pm because it was a bigger bird, so I figured it’d be closer to an hour and a half or so.

Pulled it out about 6:25 and pop a knife into the thigh and see clear juice (our meat thermometer kicked the bucket), also check at the wing and the breast.  All clear.  Yay.  It was pretty and brown on the outside, crispy skin, and it looked so good and juicy.  I pull it out, let  it sit on the stove and tent it with foil to let it all rest for about 15 minutes before I carve it.

I come back, 15-20 mins later and one of the places that I poked with my knife now has blood coming out of it.  So I curse for a minute and pop it back in the oven.

20 minutes later, I check again.  Still blood coming out of another area.

:deep annoyed sigh:  I actually pull it out of the roasting pan and putting it on a baking sheet with foil and put it back in, and even raised the oven temp a bit (it had been on 425, so I raised it to 450).

At this point it’s already almost 7:30 and I put this thing in at 5:00.

Leave it for another 20 minutes and I say, out loud, “if this thing isn’t done now, it’s going out a window”.

AND IT WAS STILL BLEEDING!

So I said screw it and we went and ate the sides while it went back in the oven again.  I didn’t even want the damn thing anymore, I was so annoyed by it.

Finally, after about another 30 minutes, it was finally done, and likely also dry as a bone (I wouldn’t know, I didn’t actually eat it because I was so irritated).

It was LITERALLY in the over for over three hours.  I do not understand why that thing took so long.  I’m actually having maintenance come out and check the oven because it was THAT ridiculous.

I just don’t understand what happened or why.  I have never had a whole chicken take THAT long before.  It was insane.  I know some people are going to side eye when I say this, but this was easily my most epic cooking fail, ever.  It was so bad and I was so annoyed by it.

I mean, luckily, my mashed potatoes are pretty  much always on point and all, but damn. Next time I feel fancy and want a whole chicken, we’ll get a rotisserie one from the store or something.

I don’t forsee me having the urge to roast a whole chicken again for awhile.