Thanks, Timehop

Thanks for reminding me of the worst day of my career I’ve ever had.

A year ago today I had to do one of the things that counselors dread which is report abuse.  And this one just hit me so hard, I was actually losing composure while I was making the report.  I had to excuse myself at a point because I needed a moment to get control over myself.

It was so hard because I was essentially listening to my childhood through this child and it just brought up so many feelings that I hadn’t dealt with yet.  I refused to let this child go home that afternoon with who normally picked them up.  There might have been some personal feelings playing into that but I couldn’t allow this child to be unsafe for another night.

I went home and just sobbed.  I had never been so affected by hearing a story of child abuse even with my history of being abused as a child.  This just got to me so deeply.  Even a year later, the child is safe now and I still have a way to keep in touch with what is going on since I’m not at that school anymore.  But, it still gets to me.  Just as I’m thinking of it.  I’m remembering the details and its still so heartbreaking.

I remember crying to Devon most of the night (we didn’t live together yet and it was snowing/blizzarding, so we were in our mutual homes on opposite sides of town at this juncture) over Facebook messenger.  He felt bad because he didn’t know what to say and because he was so far away and I’m pretty sure that was how my Valentine’s Day surprise resulted the following day (He surprised me with a “vacation” for the weekend – in Baltimore, but essentially the midpoint between us because it was snowy outside – which gave me the chance to deal with everything that happened with him there when I needed him).

I know this child is okay now because I made the report and made someone do something.  I know that I’m okay now, too.  But it’s still hard to know that we aren’t the only two to have ever had something like this happen to them.

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