Endo-Schmendo

So the majority of the people in my life know, though I’m not sure I’ve ever mentioned it here.  But, I have endometriosis. 

For those that don’t know what it is, yes, it’s a “woman thing”.  But it’s essentially where the lining that is supposed to grow inside of your uterus, grows on the outside instead.  It’s incredibly painful and can lead to many fertility issues.  Of course, just my luck, your chances of having endo are greater if a relative of yours has had it (namely your mother or sister, but I don’t have one of those by blood).  My mother had it. My aunt had it.  My grandma likely had it. I’m pretty sure my cousin had it, too. So me having it isn’t a shock.  Me also passing it on to a future daughter(s), also pretty likely. 

It is so painful.  Even back in high school.  Almost every month I would either miss a day of school completely or I left early because the pain was so bad, I was lightheaded from it and couldn’t move.  I didn’t know what it was.  My mother always said her “friend” was painful, so I just assumed it was how it was supposed to be.

When I was in college, it wasn’t any better.  I finally said something to my doctor and she ordered an ultrasound.  It showed a mild form of endometriosis.  

Worst part is my pain could be worse, which is a horrifying thought.  My doctor prescribed birth control.  Which I have been on now for about 9 years.  I know birth control is the devil and all but it’s a lifesaver for me.

It doesn’t mean that the endo is gone, mind you.  It just makes it so I can function.  So that I could stop missing school and eventually work once a month because I couldn’t get out of bed.

It does still hurt.  Some months more than others.  Like it hurt a lot yesterday.  I shot home as fast as I could after school yesterday and went and curled up on the couch and went to sleep.  I didn’t even hear Devon come home sometime later. 

He’s seen me suffer with this since college so he knows, apparently, just by how I’m laying down whether or not I’m having an “endo flare”, as he calls them, or not.  And he knew yesterday.  He does remember college when they were worse; when he would come over and I would be in my bed almost in fetal position because it hurt so much I couldn’t uncurl myself.  Yesterday I could at least get up and move around, I didn’t want to, but I could.  I know he feels bad when these days happen, he always says he doesn’t know what to do when I’m in pain like that.  I don’t either really. 

The part that scares me is the part where it’ll affect pregnancies.  Now, my family is a bit of an anomaly in this because no woman in my family has had issues getting pregnant, they just have problems holding the pregnancy.  My mother was pregnant 17 times, but had 14 miscarriages, my aunt had about 6 miscarriages and my grandmother had about a dozen as well.  

So getting there isn’t an issue, it’s keeping it for us that’s a problem.

And that worries me.  Because one day when Devon and I are sure we want to have a baby, I’ll stop the birth control (which I know will make issues worse for me initially) and getting pregnant likely won’t be an issue.  But there’s a good chance I’ll lose it.  And I can be as careful and healthy as I want, if my body decides to lose it, it’s just going to do it, I don’t have any control over it.

That’s scary. I don’t think Devon has fully processed the severity of this. Maybe it’s good for him, I don’t know. He’s all “well we will just try again if something happens”. I think it’s the fact that I can almost guarantee something will happen eventually that makes me upset. We already decided that we will never announce a pregnancy until I’m like 4 months along or something. By that point I should be less likely to lose it.  Hopefully. 

So I didn’t post this for sympathy. I’ve come to terms with the fact that all of this is happening.  I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll likely have major surgery (a hysterectomy) at some point in life. I don’t like it. But I accept it. 

Some days especially when the pain is like it was last night, I just wish I didn’t have to be “blessed” with this and just be able to be like so many others that can have a normal life regardless of their monthly cycle.  

All I can hope is that I maintain some normalcy as much as possible. I also hope that at some point in life I get the chance to have a healthy child that I gave birth to (no I’m not against adoption but it’s a last resort) and I can also hope I don’t pass it to a daughter even though I’m sure I will.  

I know I’m not alone, which helps. I wish there was a cure, but there is only temporary relief for symptoms. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. I just try to enjoy the times when it’s very mild and I can work through it easily.  This week, unfortunately, was just not a mild time. Hopefully next month will be better. 

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