Good riddance, amirite?

I will not pretend like I’m not happy to see 2020 leave us, I’m just hoping that 2021 will be a time of recovery and rebuilding because after this year, I’m not sure we could all survive “2020: The Redux”.

Y’all know, I’m a true introvert, so staying home for extended periods of time isn’t really the worst thing on the planet to me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I do miss being able to go out, without a mask, to dinner or to a movie, Target without worrying about “precautions”; I even miss going to work every day. But if it means staying healthy; I’m okay with being at home, too.

2020 as a whole for so many, including me, has been pretty crappy. I have been pretty lucky — well our family as a whole has been pretty lucky where Covid is concerned, none of us have been sick (with the exception of my mother) or really even suspected it, which has been very comforting. But, there have been other things that made this year very challenging.

Like dealing with my mother’s illness and having my brother with us for a few months. If you’ve been here and know what I’ve shared about my mother and I, you know our relationship is anything but idyllic; it’s tumultuous on a good day, and this year basically just solidified that it’s never going to get better. I tried. I really did; I tried to the point that I almost lost myself and all it wound up doing was causing me pain and stress and so much anxiety I could barely sleep. Through all of this, I did manage to come to an epiphany when I finally realized what is truly important to her and who is truly important to her, and I realized that I don’t fit into either of those categories. And it hurts, but it’s also very freeing for me in some ways that I’m not sure I can explain.

It did also strengthen my relationship with Devon, which I’m mentioned before. Because, like I said, he knew my mother, he’d seen our relationship but never fully understood it until he lived it. He has said that after 15 years of knowing me, he feels like he finally understands me and why I am the way I am at times and about certain things. And it’s nice. Don’t get me wrong the journey to this sucked and I wouldn’t go through it again, even for the same outcome, but…still nice.

Losing Maya in June was also so unbelievably hard. I mean, I knew as she got to 18 years old…19…20 that time would be growing short. I could see her slowing down, I could see her being tired. But finally letting her go was one of the hardest things I think I’ve ever done. Seeing her in so much pain, having seizures, not being able to walk was so hard. I know putting her down was the right decision, I know she’s not mad at me for it and that she’s so much better off, but it still absolutely broke me. Even 6 months later it still hurts. She was my first baby, my sweet old lady, and, I think, part of me will always miss her and will always love her. We still talk about her. We refer to her as “Krieger’s big sister” and talk about how much she would have swatted and hissed at him when he acts like a fool. He would have annoyed the hell out of her and it would have been adorable.

But, there were a few good things that actually came out of this year.

One thing being that we actually made good progress on our financial goals this year. I realize the year we’ve had, for some people, that can be a little triggering because I know so many people are struggling financially this year. 2019 was a big struggle year for us financially because I resigned my previous position before I had a new position to transition to (and no, that is not the same as some struggles that some are going through now, I’m not pretending that it is) which strapped us quite a bit in addition to moving and all the expenses that come with that. It wound up taking us longer to recover from that than we had expected to and other unexpected expenses came up and it just felt like one thing after another financially and it was difficult for us.

But being home meant we actually restructured our spending a lot; we wound up cutting a lot of unnecessary spending; even just buying gas we didn’t do anymore. That along with my salary increase in my current position really gave us the ability to make some good headway on our finances and I think we may be able to hit a milestone or two this coming year as a result, which is exciting.

We also managed to finally get our house fully furnished; it took awhile, but thats okay. It’s still a work in progress but I like where we’re going. I’m going to try and organize and decorate the house in 2021. I never really decorated our apartment (because I didn’t see the need) but I want to put some decorative touches here, so I look forward to doing that.

And of course, we did get this little monster this year. We got Krieger in July when he was this tiny 12-week old, 3 pound, fit into my hand, snugly little boy. Now he’s almost nine months old, getting huge, but still the snuggliest thing on the planet. I feel like he’s part dog. No cat should “fetch” as well as he does, nor should he carry his toys so proudfully around the house as he does. Plus, he’s SUPER into his humans; he loves attention and loves being around his people and gets sad when we put him out of our room when we go to sleep at night.

Krieger has been the most perfect addition to this house, thought. He’s silly and crazy in basically the same way Devon and I are. He’s also kind of diabolical (he really lives up to his name sometimes — Yes, he’s named after Krieger on “Archer”) which is also kind of funny sometimes. He is also the sweetest boy when he wants to be; he helped me heal so much after Maya, I can’t even begin to tell you. Though, I will be happy when he stops attacking the Christmas tree #destructokitten. And I already know he is NOT going to be happy when Devon and I finally go back to work (in person) full-time.

In regards to work, I think we already know that I’m not the biggest fan of distance learning (while I appreciate being home and safe, our jobs are so much harder to do effectively at home) so I’m just going to leave that as it is. But, I am grateful to be working with the team I am now. I don’t think I would get through this time with the team I was with previously; it wouldn’t have gone well. But this school is really something I am grateful for this year. I came into this position with, almost, PTSD-like reactions/symptoms and so much paranoia and anxiety about so many things, but they have all been so kind and loving and helpful in helping me get through so much of that. And they’ve been so encouraging that I’ve been able to take on more challenges and do well with them, which has also helped me immensely. I look forward to being able to go back in the building and work with them all in person again…probably next school year (if we’re being realistic).

I would love to sit here and say that maybe by the time we’re at this point next year, life will be back to normal and we can jut move on from all of this, but at this point, who knows. I would love for us to be fully past this and fully in the recovery phase, but after this year, I just don’t know. All I hope is that 2021 is better than 2020 has been and that we can start to work toward resolutions and healing as a nation because we can’t stay where we are.

I hope you all have had a relaxing and restful holiday season and I hope to see all of you in the new year!