Never in my life have I been that person that gets super excited or sentimental about the new year. It’s just not how I work. I’m not a resolution maker or someone who believes that a new year = a new you or the next big thing or anything like that.
This year has been different, though. Part of it is because the past year was so eventful….and not necessarily in a good way so having a dividing line where I can leave it in the past, is helpful. The other part is because I have something really amazing (even if unnerving at times) to look forward to this year; getting married.
Now, this is not a post all about the wedding, I promise.
It’s more about what’s coming after it.
This year is bringing this huge new chapter to my life and it’s so exciting. Through all of the normal phases of life that I’ve gone through; teen years, college, adult independence; none of them have ever made me as excited as this one does.
I’m going to be a married woman.
For some people I know, this is absolutely terrifying because it means (to them) a loss of independence and a loss of their individual self.
For me, it’s more about a new challenge (because while Devon and I have lived together for three years, I’m aware living together married is different), stability, and us creating our own family.
This past year was really hard; definitely mine and Devon’s hardest year so far. It was a year that tests a lot of what a relationship is made of; my mother’s cancer diagnosis, me losing my job, getting a new job that’s super far away and has a lot more responsibility, planning a wedding, starting to save for a house. It’s a lot of things that can really put stress on a relationship and can either pull two people closer together or push them apart.
We had quite a few stressful moments throughout all of this; moments where we got a bit frustrated with each other, even if it was sometimes just misplaced aggression (we’re sometimes really good at that), really quiet moments because we were both just completely physically and mentally exhausted.
Devon and I have always been pretty solid (I think almost a decade of close friendship helped that) even in those stressful moments, but we definitely came out stronger after all of it. We have a different appreciation for each other after all of it. We’ve seen how strong each of us independently and how much stronger we are together.
I get to be married to this person soon; have children with this person, build a home with this person; all of this is really exciting to me.
There was a long time, especially when I was in my early 20’s, that I pretty readily said, “I don’t want children”, I didn’t think it was a good idea for someone who had such an…”unnatural” upbringing to bring more humans in this world just to possibly screw them up as much as I was. Part of that was just immaturity on my part, but some of it was valid. I can’t say I have the most solid role models as far as parenting goes; but I also know I’m not my parents; I’ll just screw up my children in different ways.
I’m not fully serious, by the way.
I do actually want children; being a mother still makes me nervous, but I do really want to have kids. We talked about it a couple months ago and there is comfort for me in knowing that my children will have a father that had a relatively normal upbringing. Granted neither of us have been parents before but we’ll learn; we know kids don’t come with manuals already, so we got that part down. But we’ll figure it out.
Devon’s noticed the “baby fever” in small stages recently and he’s begun to give me side eye anytime one of our friends’ kids are around me because I’m a lot more likely to play with them or hold them than I used to be. Our friends Yuri and Chanel had a baby a year ago and when they were visiting over the summer, I spent a little too much time with the baby. She’s so cute, though! Devon basically just kept saying, over and over again to Yuri, “why are you doing this to me…now she wants one of those”.
And I’ve said before….we’re not going to actively start trying when we get married, but we’re also not going to…not try either. So, hell, we could have a baby as early as like April 2019, but probably not.
We’re also going to start looking at buying a home in the next year-ish. We wanted to get all of the wedding stuff done and out of the way before we really jump on that. THAT is like….beyond exciting to me. I’ve never owned anything like that before; even growing up we basically always rented, so I don’t know what it’s like to own your own home. Devon, on the other hand, grew up in the house he was born in (his parents bought that house right before he was born and his mom still lives there) and it was the only home he ever lived in before we lived together. I would love to have that; a house for our family to grow in and our kids to grow up in and be able to come back to as they’re older.
We know where we want to live; there’s no question there; it’ll just be finding the right house in that area for us; so some of the work is already done there. Now, it’s just making our super specific selves happy in some home. Hell, I already get Zillow alerts for houses for sale in that area. We like to plan ahead.
I’m just really excited for what is coming next. I’m excited for our wedding, yes, but at the end of the day, I’m more excited for what comes after. I look forward to being a wife and Devon and I being married, starting a family, having our own home and just having our own little family that’s all ours.
And yes, I know there will always be moments that genuinely suck and are frustrating, but I want all of this, even with the headaches.
June 24, 2018 starts a whole new chapter to our lives and I can’t wait!