Being Grateful

I just found out today that someone I know is seeking a protective order and a divorce from her spouse because he’s been physically harmful to her.  And that this wasn’t the first time he’s done this.

I lived that growing up with my parents.  My father was forcibly removed from our home when I was 10 because he hurt everyone, and I mean everyone, in every way imaginable.  I’ve seen how hurtful someone can be.  I’ve lived the fear of not knowing what to say or do that won’t set that person off.  It’s terrifying.  I sent her a message and told her that I understand and that if she needs anything, that I’m here.

It reminds me how grateful I am for Devon.

Yes, he’s odd.  Yes. he’s moody and can be annoying.  Yes, he can be a bit selfish and doesn’t like when people tell him what to do.

But he tries.  When it comes to me and our relationship he always tries.  Yes, he has his selfish moments, but I never feel put down or put on a back burner because of it.  It’s not harmful to our relationship.  There are some things that are hard for him. Like he isn’t the most emotionally expressive person (most guys are like this, though, am I right?), but for me, he tries to be.  He knows I’m okay with whatever he’s feeling as long as he’ll tell me.

Growing up in the situation I did, the most important thing in any relationship for me is that I feel safe.  There is no one in this world I’ve ever felt safer with than Devon.  And it’s always been that way, since college.  My sophomore year, I had a pretty scary event happen where someone was threatening me.  He didn’t do anything crazy but he made it known to this person (who happened to live on his same floor in his dorm) that Devon isn’t happy when you mess with his friend.  I felt better having him around.  He’s always had this protective thing to him, where he feels like he has to protect all around him. I really appreciated that then.

And it’s always been that way.  No matter where we’ve been in the past decade or who might have been there; in my head, if Devon’s there, I’m fine.  Yes, I can take care of myself, but it’s nice to know that there is someone else who will watch your back, too.  We’ve always had that.

But these events today remind me how grateful I am for him.  That I have someone that, yeah might be a little odd, butis generally and genuinely a good person.  I don’t have to worry that something I say will set him off and he’ll hurt me somehow.  If I say something to upset him he usually just stops talking and walks into another room.  It’s very comforting and very freeing all at the same time.

Most importantly, for me, I know he’ll never hurt our (future) children.  Especially the way I was hurt.  That’s always been the most important.  He’ll be just as, if not moreso, protective of them as he is of me.

We’re not perfect.  But I’m grateful that I have him to love, laugh with, and annoy relentlessly.  🙂

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