I mentioned on Tuesday that Devon and I aren’t big on Valentine’s Day; which is true. We’ve never been the “you must buy flowers and candy” and whatnot just because it’s a certain day of the year. With the exception of our first Valentine’s Day (which we went “away” for the weekend – which was before we lived together) we just kinda hang out quietly at home; no big deal because it’s what we both want.
I also mentioned last week that Devon was starting his stint doing evening high school this week that just happened to start on Valentine’s Day.
What I didn’t mention was that it kinda annoyed me. And I didn’t mention it because it literally makes no sense to me. Even now. It’s not like I’m super into the day or the meaning of it but I was annoyed that I was not going to see Devon at all yesterday. His night class doesn’t dismiss until 9pm and I’d likely be asleep by the time he came home. So, after we headed out in the morning, that would be it for the day. It was going to be the first Valentine’s Day that we didn’t see each other, at all.
And part of me is annoyed at myself for being mad about it because it’s so irrational. It’s not like he’s writing off the day to go hang out with his friends. He’s working; he’s doing something to help better himself, he’s doing this ultimately for us. He isn’t doing anything wrong.
I tried to just put it aside and not be overt about my annoyance because, like I said, I know he’s doing a good thing. But clearly, he knows me better than I do sometimes. He could tell I was a little mad about it. I made a “comment” on Tuesday night about not seeing him on Valentine’s Day; I tried to make it in a joking manner but I guess that didn’t work. And yesterday morning as we were leaving, he tried to joke and say “well….see you tomorrow”: no response from me, whatsoever.
We had no communication during the day yesterday, at all. Normally we shoot each other a text or an email or something at some point; that never happened. It wasn’t intentional on my part; I was just trying to distance myself and eliminate the possibility of being unintentionally snarky (so maybe I did kind of do it on purpose).
I decided to run a few errands after work because…well…why not?
I just got home when I saw my Facebook notifications pop up that Devon tagged me in a status (first communication between us all day) that said this:
I read that so many times before I actually responded to it; mostly because every time I saw it, I cried a little. Partially because it was sweet, partially because I felt guilty for being mad at him for something he didn’t have control over.
When he finally got home last night, I said to him; “How did you know I was mad?” He just laughs and is like “Is that a serious question? Because I NEVER know when you’re mad at me”, gives me side eye, and continues, “even when you think you’re hiding it, I still know.”
Before we lived together, we pretty much communicated solely through Facebook Messenger; which seems odd I know, but it worked for us (especially since neither of us are big phone people). There became a lot of nights where one of us would go to sleep first and the other would tell some sort of story or some reveal of information or feelings or something for the other person to read when they woke up.
So many times his stories made me tear up reading them like that status did last night. I decided to read through a couple of them last night before he got home.
Many of them are very personal for both of us and I’d never in a million years put them here. But there is one I wanted to put here, from him, because it’s nothing I’ve never said here before:
I’m not the best at holding on to people. People come in to my life, and they leave. Or I leave. And we say “oh, keep in touch! Call me!”, but it never happens. And, while I know it’s a two-way street, I recognize that I never do my part in keeping friendships together. Hell, so many people that I was SO close to in Elementary, Middle, and High school just dropped out of my life because I would just literally disappear. Didn’t go to the same middle school as me? G’bye. Didn’t go to Kenwood? So long. Not coming to Frostburg? Toodles. It was what it was, and I never really thought about it. There would be the occasional “I wonder whatever happened to <Blank>?” but it never really amounted to anything. Hell, even Facebook gave me the ability to keep up with all these people, and I still make no effort to do so.
This is a big part of the reason why Rob, Yuri, and Harold are so important. They’re the friends who stayed. The friends who waited. They’re the ones that actually reached out, kept in touch, called me, texted me, messaged me on AIM and on Myspace and on FB. They’re the ones that really made the effort to stay in my life, and to keep me in theirs. That’s why, even though they sometimes annoy the holy living crap out of me, they’ll always be my very best friends.
And then there’s you.
Once I figured out the depth of our friendship, and what it really meant, you became something different to me. Rob, Yuri, and Harold kept me close. They brought me back in whenever they could. But you… you’re the only one that I EVER made an effort to keep in my life. You’re the one that I kept in touch with. The one that I would message and text and Myspace and FB and all the rest. You’re the one that I would makes plans to hangout with, and the one that I wouldn’t let go. Even as friends, before all this lovey-dovey stuff, you were someone that I felt I needed to keep in my life. Someone that couldn’t fall by the wayside, as so many did before you.
And, since I am extremely fatalistic, and feel that everything happens for good reason, I feel like I finally understand that desire to keep you. That impetus to not let our friendship go the way that so many of my friendships did. It’s because what we have now was always in the works. Fate brought us together, fate made us impact each others’ lives, fate forced me to keep you close, all so that fate could put us together in the most fantastic way possible. Falling in love with you was easy because It was always going to happen. Falling in love with you was easy because I’ve always loved you, even when I didn’t. Falling in love with you was easy because it’s right. And I do love you. So much more than words or actions can express. And I am eternally grateful to have found this with you.
So thank you, Stephanie. Thank you for falling in love with me. Thank you for making me fall in love with you. Thank you for kissing me back on July 20, 2013. Thank you for letting me in to your life.
There are so many more of these. So many that I actually downloaded them from Facebook and saved them in about four different places and in paper form so that I never lose them; they’re really special to me.
Re-reading a lot of this made any “mad” feelings I had disappear pretty quickly.
These are good to look through when he’s annoying me. It doesn’t change the fact that he can be annoying (he is a man after all) but it can put a lot of things into perspective for me.
Him working last night was not a big deal. And we did get to spend a little time together when he got home. Life is making the most of what you have and at the end of the day, he’s doing something really great for him and us because our future is one of his biggest priorities. That’s more important than one day.